When you love and value your partner deeply it can be hard to understand why they or anyone would resist, avoid or reject love and break-up. Even more confusing are the excuses given for breaking up: “It’s not you it’s me,” or “I’m not ready for a relationship,” or “It’s not the right timing,” are only a few. Although the person giving these and other excuses may or may not believe what they are saying, the real reason for the break-up is more likely to be one of the following top 3 reasons for a break-up:
1. Some basic core needs were not being met.
When we enter a relationship it is often based upon attraction and connection. We pursue the relationship further to see what may evolve. But as we grow and change ourselves and we continue to get to know our partner, we may discover we desire more. Perhaps a partner is great on a superficial level: attractive, nice and intelligent, however, on a deeper level they do not share your desire for a deeper connection and open communication or perhaps you have different sex drives or perhaps you desire children and your partner does not. When your partner does not see you meeting their long-term needs and desires it may very well lead to a break-up.
2. One or both people in the relationship did not feel good about themselves in the relationship. When the negative feelings outweigh the positive a break-up usually follows. That is not to say that either person did anything wrong–only that they were not on the same page from a relationship or life standpoint.
When a relationship is new, both parties have a strong desire to please the other. Sometimes they may even compromise themselves in order to win the affection of their object of desire. But when we project a different self–anything other than our authentic self–it is bound to lead to a struggle of conscience at some point. When we pretend to be something we are not, we inevitably become dissatisfied. This can be true even when we win the object of our affection. Deep at our core we all want to be accepted for the person we truly are. When we compromise ourselves, or try too hard to please someone, or expect our partners to “make us happy,” eventually we stop feeling good about the relationship and ourselves as well. In the end, to be truly happy we need to be honest with ourselves first, and then with our partner as well, to have a happy, healthy relationship and to avoid the need for a breakup when our “true selves” emerge in the relationship.
3. Timing and circumstance. At different points in our lives we have to make hard choices. Sometimes that means choosing a career or family over a love relationship. Many factors influence timing and our readiness to take a relationship forward. (See also Is Timing Everything or Just and Excuse?)
When we are young, we may be truly in love, but desire to finish school before committing to a relationship. As we grow older it can be that a job or family matters that take precedence over a relationship. Or you may meet the love of your life at a time you cannot act upon that love without great upheaval for a variety of reasons. There are many factors to be considered and only the two people involved in the relationship can determine if they are comfortable taking the next step. Unfortunately when one or both partners do not feel it is possible or reasonable due to timing or circumstance to take the relationship further a break-up can occur regardless.
Of course there are other reasons for break-ups that are unrelated to the above reasons, such as abuse or basic incompatibilities, but the three reasons above offer the most common underlying reasons that bring someone to the point of breaking-up. Of course, if both parties are motivated and strongly desire to work out their differences while remaining authentic to themselves and their partner, it may still be possible to salvage the relationship and grow stronger, given a commitment to communication and compromise. But, in other cases, it may be the best outcome for both to move on and find a more compatible partner.
Break-ups are never easy for either party. But having a greater understanding of the real reasons for a disconnect can be helpful when trying to gain a greater perspective in order to heal and move forward.
Share your reasons for breaking-up and how your life or circumstances played a role in your decision to end a relationship in our comments section below.